Are you incompatible, or have you actually given the relationship a fair chance?

Are You Incompatible, or Have You Actually Given the Relationship a Fair Chance?

Both couples and individuals often come into therapy after months—or years—of emotional exhaustion. Maybe they’re dealing with the aftermath of betrayal, re-occurring patterns, or complex, layered issues that haven’t subsided on their own. They describe feeling like they’ve explained the same concerns over and over again. They feel unseen. Misunderstood. Dismissed. They wonder if they’re asking for too much or if they’re simply with the wrong person.

After experiencing difficult relational patterns, many clients wonder whether they're with the "right" person. Sometimes grief, life stress, feeling trapped in a life where we're not able to explore a new identity or feelings of overwhelm can make fear hold us back. For example, Sometimes our own perceptions of experiencing someone else as a "high energy" person can cause overwhelm or apprehensiveness, but when we discover this person is "chill" and regulated in other relationships and contexts, it begs the questions: is there more to the story? Did I give this person a fair chance?. Additionally, because sometimes our own perceptions of experiencing someone can be shaped by our own stress, circumstances, or nervous system - as we get to know them in different contexts, we may discover they’re quite different from our initial conclusion.

Grief, trauma, and pain can create a lot of difficulties, often we seek answers in trying to figure out "was it them, or me?". Our brains often swing in polarizing, black and white directions, trying to find answers. In most cases, there's nuance, complexity, and not a single clean answer. And even though I support clients in healing from the shame, moral injury, and complex emotions that arise from being the betrayer, accountability work is a vital piece of the work. I will always support both partners in wanting to repair their relationship, but accountability work requires gentle challenge in conjunction with care and empathy.

While I'm not in the business of purposefully trying to trigger shame and discomfort in any client, gently challenging patterns is necessary to not only heal from complex relational situations, but also to answer the original question of this article. Thus, in cases of betrayal, acting unprofessionally, or treating someone unfairly, there is no excuse to justify causing trauma and pain to someone and not taking ownership to repair it, no matter how you experienced them, or other factors impacting capacity and availability. Especially if you had a partner that tried to be patient, loving, understanding, and support you through a difficult time, before and even after they felt hurt by you.

If you did not directly communicate your need for pacing, calmness, ask clarifying questions when feeling confused or unsettled, or communicate your own feelings of overstimulation, but instead turned toward making the choice to hurt your partner, respectfully and gently, that is not your partner's fault. Your partner likely cannot change, grow with you, or try to best meet your needs without those productive, direct conversations. Many clients may feel frustrated when their attempts to "turn toward" and healthily repair the relationship are met with doubling down on defensiveness, or struggling to manage projection, shutdown or outbursts, rather than collaboration. Many partners feel their patience and understanding to their partner’s protective responses goes unseen, which can feel doubly hurtful. It may sting or feel unfair when one partner tries to own their own “stuff”, but doesn’t feel the same level of relational responsibility is being considered from their partner. Patients often describe feeling like they don’t want to blame their partner, pressure them, or cause shame, but they know healthy relationships require repair, and may feel at a loss as to how to proceed. To reiterate, a couples therapist does not intend to cause shame, but they need to bring unhealthy patterns to conscious awareness, such as the examples above, in order to actually change them.

Nonetheless, in complex relational dynamics such as these, many couples start to ask difficult existential questions.

One of the questions I hear most often in therapy isn't:

"How do we fix this?"

"Can trust actually be rebuilt?"

"Have we been reacting to each other's protective strategies rather than who we actually are?"

It's:

"Are we just incompatible?"

Sometimes they’re dating.

Sometimes they’re in long-term relationships.

Sometimes they’re somewhere in between—what people often call “situationships”—where there are genuine feelings but also layers of uncertainty, complexity, avoidance, outside influences, and unfinished conversations.

They’re trying to decide:

Do I keep investing in this relationship, or is it time to move in a different direction?

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In my experience, compatibility is rarely as black and white as we make it.

Sometimes people truly aren’t a good fit.

But other times, what keeps breaking down isn’t the relationship itself.

It’s the process of relating.

That’s a very different question.

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One reason this question is often so difficult to answer is that relationships rarely exist in isolation. Even when only two people are involved romantically, many other voices can quietly begin shaping how the relationship develops.

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum.

People who you vent to.

In-laws.

Coworkers.

Therapists.

Social media.

Online groups.

Past relationships.

Previous attachment injuries.

Older adults who seem “wise” on the surface.

All of these can influence how we interpret the person sitting across from us.

That opens conversations about:

triangulation- how does bringing a third person (or multiple people in against your partner’s consent) influence a dynamic?

social influence- are the people you vent to receiving ALL the context, or just hearing one side?

confirmation bias (example: someone says “they’re a bad match for you anyway” and it confirms what protection from shame wants to believe)

projection (often from overinternalizing or forming narratives too soon based on our own emotions or triggers without direct collaborating with the other person first)

power differentials (one partner may have had more power at one point, and may not have realized it's impact)

Boundaries- have I set healthy boundaries to protect my relationship from people who seem to want to destroy or influence it? Have I communicated, directly, my own needs and boundaries? Have I given my relationship a fair chance to blossom?..

And why two people sometimes lose the opportunity to discover who they actually are together (Relating too much symbolically at a distance, through projections, overinternalizing without real collaboration).

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Sometimes the injury runs even deeper.

Sometimes the outside influence isn’t simply another opinion. It may involve someone with whom one partner has experienced a significant unresolved relational injury, where the partner felt harmed by this person. Which can register as an even deeper traumatic betrayal that causes you to question your partner.

And when that person continues to occupy a prominent role in the relationship, even as far as competing for positioning and influence in their new relationship, without the injury ever being acknowledged or repaired, resentment can begin to build. The injured partner may not only be grieving what happened — they may also be trying to understand why the impact of that relationship and that person's behavior isn’t being recognized.

Over time, questions and doubt can begin to emerge:

“Does my partner understand why this has affected me so deeply? Do they even care about my feelings at all?”.

“Do they appreciate the impact this dynamic is having on our relationship?”

"Why would they even do this? Are they a "good" person?"

“Why are they not only allowing this to happen, but encouraging it?”

"Why am I being scapegoated as the sole problem, while they justify or reframe their inappropriate behavior?"

"Why are they referring to a stranger who is engaging in emotionally abusive behavior towards me as their "family"?

“Do they recognize how these repeated patterns are shaping trust between us?”

“Why aren’t they recognizing and acknowledging how emotionally immature, bizarre, and deeply disturbing the third party person’s behavior is?”

“Can I trust my partner's level of discernment?

“Can my partner participate in what is required to create a healthy, emotionally safe relationship?”

“Is this behavior reflective of someone I’d even want as a long term partner?”

Most people do not arrive at these questions because they’re trying to hurt their partner’s feelings or cause shame. They arrive when someone begins to truthfully examine the entirety of a situation. Nonetheless, these questions can create increasing emotional distance, doubts, tension or "protest behaviors" (even when there’s still deep attachment and care), making it harder for both partners to feel emotionally safe, understood, and connected. Especially when there's no direct repair conversation, everything remains ambiguous and uncertain, fueling further unproductive behaviors, reactions, and patterns for both.

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Sometimes the impact of persistent third-party involvement, and the position someone places their partner in and, is never fully acknowledged.

When another person’s opinions, interpretations, or influence repeatedly become part of the relationship without consent, one partner may begin feeling as though they’re not relating to their partner alone—they’re relating to an entire audience.

Instead of collaborating with one another, they begin responding to perceptions, narratives, and interpretations that exist outside the relationship itself.

Sometimes those narratives come from people who lack the full context. Other times, they may come from people whose own experiences, biases, relationships, or motivations influence how they interpret and try to influence the situation. When those outside perspectives begin carrying more weight than the lived experience of the two people in the relationship, genuine collaboration becomes increasingly difficult.

In some situations, persistent efforts by a third party or group to undermine, control, or repeatedly interfere in a relationship can become psychologically harmful and leave lasting emotional consequences. It can also keep a partner in a constant state of hypervigilance, bracing for having to defend themselves, and unable to truly relax and participate without the dynamic feeling like “courtroom energy”.

Resentment often builds when those dynamics go unexamined, become normalized, or are inadvertently reinforced instead of questioned.

People looked for shortcuts instead.

Sometimes those shortcuts sound like:

“Maybe we’re just incompatible.”

“Maybe we weren’t supposed to be together.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

While these beliefs can genuinely be true in some situations, they can also become ways of avoiding the much harder work of examining what actually happened between two people.

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Regarding the examples above, what often goes unnoticed is the position one partner can end up being placed in—and the profound impact that position can have on the relationship itself.

Instead of focusing on growing the relationship…

repairing ruptures…

improving communication…

and examining what each person could do differently to actually grow together…

the relationship often becomes consumed by perception management.

One partner spends enormous emotional energy trying to battle misunderstandings.

Trying to explain context.

Trying to challenge assumptions.

Trying to undo confirmation bias.

Trying to justify why the behavior is harmful and what needs to change for it to be healthier.

Trying to prove they’re not who a third party or group has concluded they are and prevent being misunderstood.

Eventually, they aren’t participating in a relationship anymore.

They’re defending themselves inside one.

That becomes exhausting.

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To sum up the point above, many relationships can slowly become less about connection between two people…

…and more about trying to convince someone else that your experience is real.

Instead of asking,

“How do we understand each other?”

the energy shifts toward:

“How do I prove my case?”

The relationship starts to feel less like a partnership…

and more like a courtroom.

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When this happens, people often begin explaining the same concerns over and over.

Not because they enjoy conflict, or want to annoy or pressure their partner.

But because they're hurting and don’t yet feel understood.

Unfortunately, repeated explaining often gets interpreted as criticism, urgency, or “being difficult,” rather than recognizing that someone may still be searching for repair or "turning toward" connection, rather than avoiding conflict. And while urgency in itself can be unproductive and can create feelings of more pressure, avoidance and delaying repair while continuing to engage in harmful behavior can fuel urgency, and overexplaining as a survival strategy. So the cycle continues for both parties.

A relationship cannot realistically work if major concerns and ruptures cannot be brought to someone’s attention, calmly and directly, without defensiveness.

Relational safety isn’t simply feeling loved.

It’s believing:

“I can bring this up and we’ll stay connected.”

“I can tell you something difficult without losing you.”

“You’ll become curious and self reflect instead of immediately defending yourself.”

“I can bring this up, and you’ll still choose me”.

“I can bring this up and feel confident that we can repair.”

Without that, people eventually stop bringing themselves into the relationship honestly.

They begin protecting themselves instead.

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Sometimes even the way concerns are brought forward could be adjusted.

Posting indirectly.

Seeking reassurance through social media.

Escalating urgency.

Trying to get attention from third parties instead of approaching conflict with your person directly.

These survival responses often make sense in context.

But they’re usually attempts to solve a deeper problem rather than the problem itself. And they often can lead to further disconnection.

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Trauma can intensify this even further.

Indirect or ambiguous communication, overtime, can cause people to live in a constant state of processing.

Their nervous system is always trying to make sense of confusing experiences or incomplete communication.

They replay conversations.

Analyze interactions and coded emails for clues.

Search for answers and certainty.

Try to predict outcomes.

This isn’t because they’re dramatic or obsessive.

Often it’s because somewhere along the way in the relationship their nervous system learned that understanding everything, all the layers of complexity, might help them stay safe or create some relational movement.

But constant processing is exhausting.

It's understandable that some partners may have social anxiety, or struggle with avoidance patterns, and many partners try to be patient and compassionate towards that. But unfortunately, incomplete methods of communication rarely replaces the effectiveness of direct conversation.

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At some point it’s worth asking:

Did you actually know each other directly?

Or…

Did you mostly know each other through interpretations?

Were difficult conversations actually had?

Were important misunderstandings clarified?

Were assumptions tested?

Or were third parties quietly shaping your perceptions?

Were fears making decisions before the relationship had a chance to develop?

Do I truly understand the impact that certain dynamics had on shaping the relationship, and the other person's mental health?

Was avoidance deciding the future instead of curiosity?

Was the relationship ending because of incompatibility…

or because the process of relating kept breaking down?

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Sometimes resentment isn’t created just because someone made some mistakes.

It’s created because there wasn’t enough acknowledgment afterward.

Repair didn’t happen.

Conversations stayed indirect and incomplete.

Assumptions hardened into certainty.

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Sometimes one partner can’t understand why the other seems so angry or resentful.

But underneath the anger may be months—or years—of feeling misunderstood and unheard.

Of attempting repair.

Of trying to create enough safety that is impossible to create thru indirect channels.

Of trying to create direct, emotionally safe conversations.

Of feeling like important concerns kept getting explained away or reframed rather than explored.

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Before concluding that someone simply “overreacted,” it may be worth asking:

How did the dynamics contribute to their reactions?

Did I prematurely blame my partner before considering the environment we had both created?

Did I become overly certain about my interpretation?

Did confirmation bias keep reinforcing one narrative while filtering out information that didn’t fit?

Did outside voices begin carrying more weight than direct experience?

Did complex layers from life stress, social anxiety, or attachment patterns like avoidance or anxiousness- which directly impact our perception- quietly make decisions that honest conversations never had the chance to make?

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None of this means every relationship should continue.

Some relationships truly are unhealthy.

Some people genuinely are incompatible.

Some dynamics become unsafe.

Walking away can absolutely be the healthiest decision.

But before arriving there, I think it’s worth asking a different question.

Not simply:

“Were we compatible?”

But:

“Did we actually give this relationship a fair chance to become what it could have been?”

Because sometimes the greatest obstacle isn’t compatibility.

It’s never fully getting the opportunity to relate.

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Reflection Questions

• Did we know each other directly, or mostly through interpretations?

• Were difficult conversations actually had?

• Did I become certain before becoming curious?

• Were outside voices shaping my perception of my partner?

• Did confirmation bias influence what I noticed—and what I overlooked?

• Were fears making decisions before the relationship had the chance to develop?

• Did I blame my partner’s reactions before considering how our dynamic may have contributed to them?

• Were we trying to understand each other—or trying to win?

• Was the relationship ending because we were incompatible…

• Or because the process of relating kept breaking down?

Dealing with these kinds of relational dynamics can be incredibly painful. Without real repair or direct collaborative conversations, they often leave people questioning themselves, their partner, and whether the relationship ever truly had a fair chance.

Sometimes the first step is asking yourself the difficult questions.

The next step may be finding a skilled couples therapist who can help both partners slow the process down, examine the patterns that have developed, and create enough safety to have the conversations that couldn’t happen before.

At The Relational Space, I work with couples navigating these exact kinds of dynamics—from communication breakdowns and unresolved ruptures to the impact of outside influences, attachment patterns, and recurring cycles of misunderstanding. Clients begin to learn how to stop unintentionally letting fear based behaviors sabotage their relationships, and learn how to slowly expand their capacity to "turn towards" connection instead. Together, we work to shift those patterns, strengthen emotional safety, and help each partner relate to one another more directly, collaboratively, and authentically.